How to Get Out and Stay Out During the Early Stages of Domestic Violence
- Savannah Francis
- Nov 3, 2023
- 4 min read
This subject is one that is near and dear to my heart and these are tactics that I personally used that worked. The truth is Domestic Violence doesn't roar its ugly head right away. Most abusers are a master at their craft and know how to lure you in like a fish but once they've hooked you, everything you once knew vanishes and you are suddenly fighting for your life.
When the abuse starts it is very unlikely to start full force but what may start small will eventually turn into something that you never saw coming.
Domestic Violence can be physical or psychological and it can affect anyone. It often involves behaviors that are intended to intimidate, cause physical harm, or exert control over a partner. Although each relationship is unique, an unequal power dynamic is usually present, and one partner attempts to dominate the other in various ways.
Insults, threats, emotional abuse, and sexual coercion are all forms of domestic violence. Some abusers use children, pets, money, or other family members as emotional leverage to manipulate. Domestic violence can have a profound impact on victims, often resulting in diminished self-worth, anxiety, depression, and a general sense of helplessness that can take time and professional help to overcome. It took me years to regain my self-worth and in the process, I made a lot of embarrassing mistakes looking for validation in all the wrong places.
How do you know if you're in an abusive relationship?
There is a pattern of violence verbal or physical that is typically followed up with gifts, apologies, compliments, and promises.
You are being isolated from family, friends, your job, or school. If everyone in your life suddenly becomes a 'problem' or 'the enemy', they most likely are not the problem.
They are making you feel guilty for having any activities, hobbies, or dreams outside of them. Their goal is to control you, but maintaining your independence makes it very hard to do that.
Identifying these patterns early is crucial to getting out before real damage is made.
How do you get out and stay out?
Write it all down.
I repeat... write it all down! In a notebook, with pen and paper. When you're feeling weak and you are missing them (because you will)... pick it up and read it. Read it over and over again until that feeling is gone. My notebook was my lifesaver. Reading about those terrible incidents would light a fire in me. That sadness would turn to anger and that anger would turn to strength. Later, many years later, that strength allowed me to forgive, not for him, but for me and my peace.
Maintain your independence.
Financial, spiritual, and relational. All of it. As I stated before maintaining your independence makes it very hard for them to control you. In addition, having a sense of independence makes it a lot easier to leave. A survivor may be forced to stay with an abuser due to concerns about economic stability.
In a 2012 survey, three out of four victims said they stayed with their abusers longer for economic reasons. Of the 85% of victims who returned to their abusers, a significant number cited an inability to address their finances. My credit was great when I met him and horrible when I left. I opened credit cards in my name for his business that he agreed to pay off, medical bills were unpaid, he hid money and refused to get a job when the recession was coming and the writing was on the wall.
Know that who you first met isn't a real person.
One of the hardest things for me to grasp was that the person I fell in love with wasn't coming back. The truth is, they never existed. If you find yourself thinking "If they can just get back to being the person they used to be" or "We can work on this" or "They are just going through a lot" these are all just excuses you are giving yourself to justify their behavior. The loving, kind, thoughtful person they were, was just a facade. The person you are seeing now? That's the REAL them. Believe them when they show you their true colors and exit stage left.
Maybe you are currently in the exact type of relationship described above, maybe you used to be in one or maybe you've never experienced it at all. No matter the category you fall in the bottom line is, knowledge is power. 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have been in some type of abusive relationship.
Leaving is never easy and it takes real courage to do so. My hope is that by using the above tips you will stand firm in your decision and know that no matter how hard things are or how low you feel you will overcome and you will heal. One day you will wake up and all of it will be a distant memory.
Need more resources or information? Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Support, resources, and advice for your safety 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
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